The 90s Revisited

I’ve been a legal adult since 2006, when I turned 18. In that time – from my technical adulthood of 2006, to the absolute, closing-in-on-30-where-the-fuck-did-my-youth-go adulthood of today – I’ve done some things. I’ve seen some things. I’ve experienced today’s culture in real time. And I have to say – there’s only two things that give my 90s childhood a run for its money: Sex, and the invention of the iPhone. That’s it. That’s fucking it, really.

Everything else is pretty mediocre. Sure, we’re living in the golden age of television – but we also have social media, which sucks ass. Sure, next gen video game consoles are pretty sweet, but we’re also technically living in a pre-apocalyptic dystopia if we are to look at our current political climate. Or the actual climate. So yeah – the 2000s are loaded with ridiculous fuckery. Comically depressing fuckery that almost feels fictional in terms of its absurdity.

You know what era wasn’t filled with ridiculous fuckery, but instead ran on a consistent loop of rainbows and awesomeness? The 90s.

Sure, everyone thinks their generation, their era, their childhood – was the best. But there’s a reason why millennials are more nostalgic than any other group of people. The 90s were objectively awesome.

I want to take a trip down memory lane and explain in detail why the 90s were peak humanity. And why society collapsed as soon as the ball dropped on December 31st, 1999.

I’m going to leave out a lot of shit. Frankly, the 90s just had way too many awesome things going on to write about in a single blog post. But I will do my damndest.

So without further ado, I present to you, my 90s cliffsnotes.

Film

Alright, let’s start with the biggest case for why the 90s are the greatest decade in recorded human history. Our movie game is A1 AF. Odds are, your favorite movie was made in this decade.

If it wasn’t, and your favorite movie was made in the 2000s, it was probably influenced by a movie made in this decade.

Ever Google “Movies made in the 90s?” I have (and grew a half chub just reading the list of titles).

From gritty crime dramas, to heartwarming animated films, we had you covered.

Allow me to name drop just a few of the 90s greatest films:

pulp1dogs1seven1forrest1lion king

Honorable Mentions:

American History X
Boogie Nights
Braveheart
Fargo
Fight Club
Goodfellas
The Green Mile
Jurassic Park
The Matrix
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler’s List
Scream
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence Of The Lambs
The Sixth Sense
Titanic
Toy Story

Music

nirvana

90s music, just like with film, was a golden age for all genres. We had a grunge movement powered by Nirvana and Pearl Jam, along with Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, and Stone Temple Pilots, as well as an alternative rock boom in general with bands like Red Hot Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, No Doubt, Oasis, and R.E.M.

West Coast rap was thriving with the likes of Dr. Dre’s Chronic, Snoop Doggy Dogg’s Doggystyle, and anything Tupac made, period. Not so fast though – East Coast rap was well represented too. Notorious B.I.G, Jay-Z, Big Pun, Big L, Puff Daddy and Ma$e all brought classic New York grime to the rap game.

chronic

R&B had some heavy hitters as well. Whitney Houston, Boyz II Men, TLC, Blackstreet (“No Diggity” anyone?), Usher, and countless others put out songs still played in clubs to this day.

It didn’t stop there. The 90s also marked a pop explosion. With The Spice Girls, N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Ricky Martin all coming out with chart topping hits that are still annoyingly catchy. “Shake It Off” has nothing on “Bye Bye Bye.” Sorry not sorry.

Back then, it wasn’t hard to find good music. It was smacking you in the face from every direction. It wasn’t like it is today, where I’m desperately rummaging through Apple Music for songs to make a 10-track playlist. I was listening to albums start to finish because they were quality.

Television

For the uninitiated – do you know what us 90s people did on Friday nights? Stayed the fuck inside and watched tv.

TGIF.

Google that shit.

Yes, it may be hard to believe – but there were shows actually worth watching on Friday nights, Saturday mornings, and every other day of the week for that matter.

Seinfeld
Source: Sony Pictures

Let’s start with the show about nothing, that ended up being better than everything: Seinfeld.

Seinfeld is the quintessential sitcom. It’s the blueprint for how all modern day sitcoms operate. I love me some It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Do you know what IASIP’s nickname is? “Seinfeld on crack.”

There’s a reason for that. Seinfeld is the undisputed king of situational comedy. That’s not to say the 90s didn’t boast some other impressive sitcoms. Remember, this is the 90s we’re talking about here, and everything in the 90s was awesome.

Friends, The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, Saved By The Bell, Boy Meets World, and Full House all belong to the greatest decade on Earth.

Saved by the Bell
Source: Getty

Yeah, we had Full House before you guys did. Fucking deal with it. It was corny and we loved it. And I can dedicate an entire blog post to the empire the Olsen twins built shortly after the creation of that show, but I’m not gonna do that.

And when it came to 90s television, it wasn’t just sitcoms either.

Nickelodeon was basically a deity. And it fucking raised us.

nick metro
Source: Nickelodeon

Rugrats. Doug. All That. Kenan And Kel. Are You Afraid Of The Dark? Salute Your Shorts. Rocko’s Modern Life.

Again I can go on, but we’d be here all day.

MTV was killing it too.

MTV actually showed music videos. But there was so much more than that.

Beavis And Butthead. The Real World. Celebrity Deathmatch.

And three letters that bring me a scary amount of joy when I hear them said together:

TRL

We may be living in the age of Breaking Bad, Game Of Thrones, and The Walking Dead, but the 90s were no slouch when it came to televised entertainment.

Video Games

90s video games had a level of replay value today’s games could only dream of. There was no downloadable content. No puzzle packs, maps, or other thinly-veiled money grabs. There was just the game. You played it, beat it, and played it again. Not to go back and collect things you missed the first time around – but just because the games were so much fun.

Sega and Nintendo ruled the screens.

mario

Nintendo had Mario, and everything that comes with that name. Super Mario. Mario 64. Mario Kart 64. Everything with the Mario. And they killed it.

Nintendo 64 also gave us classics like GoldenEye and The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time.

Pokemon Blue and Red for Game Boy. It was serious.

Sega gave us my favorite console, my favorite mascot, and my favorite game of all time, all at once.

The Genesis, Sonic, and Sonic 2 respectively.

Mortal Kombat. Streets Of Rage. Doom. NBA Jam.

sonic

Nintendo and Sega were churning out one classic after another.

Though they were the biggest, they weren’t the only two brands kicking ass.

1994 saw the birth of the Sony Playstation.

Crash Bandicoot. Tomb Raider. Twisted Metal.

The 90s was a treasure trove of classic games. Whether on handheld devices, or fully fleshed out consoles – you were never short on gaming entertainment.

Food

Yep. Even the food back in the 90s was better, because it wasn’t politicized. You know how it is. Liberals drink kale smoothies, conservatives eat Chick-fil-a.

Everything today is either super healthy (but nasty tasting), or an outright artery-clogging abomination, like macaroni-and-cheese mozzarella sticks breaded in Cheetos powder. I’m looking at you, Burger King.

But the 90s had epic food that was just the right amount of unhealthy.

surge coca
Source: Coca Cola

Bagel Bites. Hot Fries. Lunchables. Which you washed down with a Capri Sun or a Surge soda.

Gushers. Ring Pops. Fruit Roll-ups. Fruit By The Foot. By the fucking foot, this thing was. An entire foot of gooey fruit tape.

Dunkaroos. Squeezit drinks.

dunkaroos betty crocker
Source: Betty Crocker

And you know what we had for cereal choices?

French Toast Crunch and Oreo O’s.

Yes. Oreo O’s.

Fucking Oreos for breakfast! It was unreal. They stopped making most of these things, which is devastating.

Amazon does sell a few of them though – not sure how quality they are since they’ve not been made in over a decade – but I’m willing to give them a try.

Let the sweet, sweet nectar of 20 year old Dunkaroos frosting gently coat my tongue.

Conclusion

In conclusion – the 90s were fucking awesome. The evidence is indisputable. And no alternative fact can change that.

Speaking of which – I almost forgot to provide my biggest reason for why the 90s is the greatest decade of all time.

In the 90s, our current president was nothing more than a hotel guest, kindly helping a lost child find the lobby.

Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, Richard Branson, and any other tech giants out there who may be reading this: Please begin working on a time machine. And let me head the maiden voyage.

Why Fall Is The Best Season

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In these deeply polarizing times, I wanted to write about something we can all agree on – that fall is the greatest season this planet has to offer. Oh, you don’t agree? Well, fuck you, then.

Sorry for that. I’ve been on edge since January.

Thinly-veiled political jokes aside, I really do believe most of us can get on board with this whole “autumnal equinox” thang.

If you’re #TeamFall like I am (I’m trying to connect with the youth), these next few paragraphs should bring a smile to your face.

If you’re someone who prefers the allergies of the spring, the dreariness of winter, or the sweltering, bug-infested funky sweat bucket of summer to autumn, perhaps this will sway your opinion just a little bit. Or, you may just be an actual fucking maniac.

I know, I know – a piece on why fall is awesome…super original. I’m aware. But you’ll be happy to find out, I won’t be making a half-assed top 10 list, complete with generic, faux-artistic Tumblr images (those faded pictures of wooden coffee tables with leaves on them, and the word “Fall” written in script over it), nor will I make you click through a ridiculous amount of pointless slides (I’m saving those flawless literary techniques for other articles). All you have to do is scroll down and enjoy the feels.

Let’s start with the obvious – them leaves. The most distinguishable aspect of the season.

Who doesn’t love walking or driving through fall foliage? The vibrant shades of red, yellow, and orange that give the day itself a warm Snapchat filter. When it’s a sunny day, everything is kissed with a golden flair. On gloomy, rainy days, the wet leaves seemingly increase in color saturation, and the fallen ones provide a stark contrast to the black concrete they’re now glued to.

But it’s more than just the color of the leaves. The weather itself is amazing.

That perfect blend of warm days and chilly nights. Where a hoodie or a knit sweater is enough to get you through the day, and when night falls, you curl up in bed with a hot tea and a good book, windows opened to bring in some of that crisp fall air.

It’s that same crisp air that makes sunsets all the more beautiful (no really, look it up, there’s a science behind why fall sunsets are more vibrant).

So, colorful leaves? Check. Perfect temperatures? Check. Beautiful sunsets? Scientific fact.

But we’re far from over here. There’s way more to this wonderful little season that’s in danger of losing its luster due to climate change.

We haven’t talked about the harvest. Oh, those magical fall crops that provide us with hits such as apple cider, apple butter, pumpkin pie, pumpkin-spiced everything. It feels like 90% of our diet is apple or pumpkin-based between the months of September and November. Where everything is topped with honey, cinnamon, or whipped cream. The smorgasbord of baked goods that take your nose to a special place. Warm, cozy, happy smells that only seem to exist in this season.

And it’s only fitting that these crops (apples, pumpkins, squash, corn) are the same colors as the leaves which softly descend upon them. Fall knows how to match. Fall is fashion forward. That’s another plus for fall.

And speaking of fashion – does it get any better than what we’re socially expected to wear during the season? Knit sweaters, hoodies, plaid flannel button-ups, denim anything, denim everything. Raincoats and boots. Down vests and leggings. Yes, I happen to like that look. Women get viciously attacked for rocking the “basic” style, but to that I say – what would you have them wear? Leave those poor girls alone. (I may or may not be angling to attract such girls)

Nature, food, fashion, and shameless attempts to court women aside – fall has even more elements that make it awesome.

Thanksgiving and Halloween. Boom. I was saving those bombs for the end of this piece.

Now let’s just address the elephant in the room: Thanksgiving is a holiday where we consume food in gluttonous amounts, watch a sport where guys accumulate brain damage with every play, then end the night by spending a fuck-ton of money on products we don’t even need. We also try to sweep under the rug the various atrocities committed against Native Americans.

But what’s more American than engaging in overeating, materialism, and football, while turning a blind eye to historical horrors?

Sorry for the woke-ness (you cannot un-wake yourself), but depressing snark aside – it’s also a day where we spend time with our families, and make precious memories in the process. There is good in the holiday. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit it. Especially since I’m trying to make a case for why fall is undeniably awesome.

Halloween is a holiday where people dress as provocatively as legally allowed, binge watch horror movies, and consume dangerous amounts of candy. I will not be apologizing for any of that, as everything about what I just said is fucking amazing.

So there it is. My reasons for why fall is the best season ever.

The leaves, the smells, the food, the fashion, the holidays.

The drives upstate to farms and harvest festivals.

Watching rain hit your window as you drink a spiced cider tea.

Making memories with loved ones.

Even though that last one can be done in any season, it just feels better when you do it during the fall.

Then again, that’s how everything feels when the autumnal equinox comes our way.