I’ve been a legal adult since 2006, when I turned 18. In that time – from my technical adulthood of 2006, to the absolute, closing-in-on-30-where-the-fuck-did-my-youth-go adulthood of today – I’ve done some things. I’ve seen some things. I’ve experienced today’s culture in real time. And I have to say – there’s only two things that give my 90s childhood a run for its money: Sex, and the invention of the iPhone. That’s it. That’s fucking it, really.
Everything else is pretty mediocre. Sure, we’re living in the golden age of television – but we also have social media, which sucks ass. Sure, next gen video game consoles are pretty sweet, but we’re also technically living in a pre-apocalyptic dystopia if we are to look at our current political climate. Or the actual climate. So yeah – the 2000s are loaded with ridiculous fuckery. Comically depressing fuckery that almost feels fictional in terms of its absurdity.
You know what era wasn’t filled with ridiculous fuckery, but instead ran on a consistent loop of rainbows and awesomeness? The 90s.
Sure, everyone thinks their generation, their era, their childhood – was the best. But there’s a reason why millennials are more nostalgic than any other group of people. The 90s were objectively awesome.
I want to take a trip down memory lane and explain in detail why the 90s were peak humanity. And why society collapsed as soon as the ball dropped on December 31st, 1999.
I’m going to leave out a lot of shit. Frankly, the 90s just had way too many awesome things going on to write about in a single blog post. But I will do my damndest.
So without further ado, I present to you, my 90s cliffsnotes.
Alright, let’s start with the biggest case for why the 90s are the greatest decade in recorded human history. Our movie game is A1 AF. Odds are, your favorite movie was made in this decade.
If it wasn’t, and your favorite movie was made in the 2000s, it was probably influenced by a movie made in this decade.
Ever Google “Movies made in the 90s?” I have (and grew a half chub just reading the list of titles).
From gritty crime dramas, to heartwarming animated films, we had you covered.
Allow me to name drop just a few of the 90s greatest films:
American History X
The Green Mile
Saving Private Ryan
The Shawshank Redemption
The Silence Of The Lambs
The Sixth Sense
90s music, just like with film, was a golden age for all genres. We had a grunge movement powered by Nirvana and Pearl Jam, along with Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, and Stone Temple Pilots, as well as an alternative rock boom in general with bands like Red Hot Chili Peppers, Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, No Doubt, Oasis, and R.E.M.
West Coast rap was thriving with the likes of Dr. Dre’s Chronic, Snoop Doggy Dogg’s Doggystyle, and anything Tupac made, period. Not so fast though – East Coast rap was well represented too. Notorious B.I.G, Jay-Z, Big Pun, Big L, Puff Daddy and Ma$e all brought classic New York grime to the rap game.
R&B had some heavy hitters as well. Whitney Houston, Boyz II Men, TLC, Blackstreet (“No Diggity” anyone?), Usher, and countless others put out songs still played in clubs to this day.
It didn’t stop there. The 90s also marked a pop explosion. With The Spice Girls, N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Ricky Martin all coming out with chart topping hits that are still annoyingly catchy. “Shake It Off” has nothing on “Bye Bye Bye.” Sorry not sorry.
Back then, it wasn’t hard to find good music. It was smacking you in the face from every direction. It wasn’t like it is today, where I’m desperately rummaging through Apple Music for songs to make a 10-track playlist. I was listening to albums start to finish because they were quality.
For the uninitiated – do you know what us 90s people did on Friday nights? Stayed the fuck inside and watched tv.
Google that shit.
Yes, it may be hard to believe – but there were shows actually worth watching on Friday nights, Saturday mornings, and every other day of the week for that matter.
Let’s start with the show about nothing, that ended up being better than everything: Seinfeld.
Seinfeld is the quintessential sitcom. It’s the blueprint for how all modern day sitcoms operate. I love me some It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Do you know what IASIP’s nickname is? “Seinfeld on crack.”
There’s a reason for that. Seinfeld is the undisputed king of situational comedy. That’s not to say the 90s didn’t boast some other impressive sitcoms. Remember, this is the 90s we’re talking about here, and everything in the 90s was awesome.
Friends, The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, Saved By The Bell, Boy Meets World, and Full House all belong to the greatest decade on Earth.
Yeah, we had Full House before you guys did. Fucking deal with it. It was corny and we loved it. And I can dedicate an entire blog post to the empire the Olsen twins built shortly after the creation of that show, but I’m not gonna do that.
And when it came to 90s television, it wasn’t just sitcoms either.
Nickelodeon was basically a deity. And it fucking raised us.
Rugrats. Doug. All That. Kenan And Kel. Are You Afraid Of The Dark? Salute Your Shorts. Rocko’s Modern Life.
Again I can go on, but we’d be here all day.
MTV was killing it too.
MTV actually showed music videos. But there was so much more than that.
Beavis And Butthead. The Real World. Celebrity Deathmatch.
And three letters that bring me a scary amount of joy when I hear them said together:
We may be living in the age of Breaking Bad, Game Of Thrones, and The Walking Dead, but the 90s were no slouch when it came to televised entertainment.
90s video games had a level of replay value today’s games could only dream of. There was no downloadable content. No puzzle packs, maps, or other thinly-veiled money grabs. There was just the game. You played it, beat it, and played it again. Not to go back and collect things you missed the first time around – but just because the games were so much fun.
Sega and Nintendo ruled the screens.
Nintendo had Mario, and everything that comes with that name. Super Mario. Mario 64. Mario Kart 64. Everything with the Mario. And they killed it.
Nintendo 64 also gave us classics like GoldenEye and The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time.
Pokemon Blue and Red for Game Boy. It was serious.
Sega gave us my favorite console, my favorite mascot, and my favorite game of all time, all at once.
The Genesis, Sonic, and Sonic 2 respectively.
Mortal Kombat. Streets Of Rage. Doom. NBA Jam.
Nintendo and Sega were churning out one classic after another.
Though they were the biggest, they weren’t the only two brands kicking ass.
1994 saw the birth of the Sony Playstation.
Crash Bandicoot. Tomb Raider. Twisted Metal.
The 90s was a treasure trove of classic games. Whether on handheld devices, or fully fleshed out consoles – you were never short on gaming entertainment.
Yep. Even the food back in the 90s was better, because it wasn’t politicized. You know how it is. Liberals drink kale smoothies, conservatives eat Chick-fil-a.
Everything today is either super healthy (but nasty tasting), or an outright artery-clogging abomination, like macaroni-and-cheese mozzarella sticks breaded in Cheetos powder. I’m looking at you, Burger King.
But the 90s had epic food that was just the right amount of unhealthy.
Bagel Bites. Hot Fries. Lunchables. Which you washed down with a Capri Sun or a Surge soda.
Gushers. Ring Pops. Fruit Roll-ups. Fruit By The Foot. By the fucking foot, this thing was. An entire foot of gooey fruit tape.
Dunkaroos. Squeezit drinks.
And you know what we had for cereal choices?
French Toast Crunch and Oreo O’s.
Yes. Oreo O’s.
Fucking Oreos for breakfast! It was unreal. They stopped making most of these things, which is devastating.
Amazon does sell a few of them though – not sure how quality they are since they’ve not been made in over a decade – but I’m willing to give them a try.
Let the sweet, sweet nectar of 20 year old Dunkaroos frosting gently coat my tongue.
In conclusion – the 90s were fucking awesome. The evidence is indisputable. And no alternative fact can change that.
Speaking of which – I almost forgot to provide my biggest reason for why the 90s is the greatest decade of all time.
In the 90s, our current president was nothing more than a hotel guest, kindly helping a lost child find the lobby.
Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, Richard Branson, and any other tech giants out there who may be reading this: Please begin working on a time machine. And let me head the maiden voyage.